just my daily thoughts . . .

i dont know why i feel this way. i hate everyone especially my parents. is this normal puberty? i cant control my anger i just explode whenever i see my dad. hes a horrible person and i know it, but so am i. i hate my mother. i dont know what im doing wrong in their eyes. im tired of constantly being threatened. i want to let it all go. my scores arent good enough for them, im not good enough for them. they refuse to get me diagnosed because i dont deserve it then get mad when my room isnt perfectly clean. i finally found happiness after moving and all they want to do is take it away from me again. am i really a spoiled brat like they say i am. i want to die i dont want to be here. they were the ones who gave birth to me so how is it my fault? i didnt want to be raised like this. i know something's wrong with me but no one will admit if. i hate this. i hate how they bring up the scars on my arm everytime. "they just want you to be happy". i dont care if they do because theyre doing it wrong then.

ive been trying my best. i thought i was doing well. i thought waking up in the morning without bursting into tears was an accomplishment, eating every meal, and talking to other people. i hate being so useless im such a bother. my parents were right when they said i shouldnt have been born, no one can handle me. i get attached so easily but i always lose people. i dont want to rely on them or anyone else. i dont want to talk about my feelings to others anymore it's pointless. but i want to know what its like to have normal emotions, to be able to cry in someone's arms. maybe in another universe my mom would hug me tight instead of saying im disgusting. i have nothing to live for except hope that one day i will be successful but its hard. how could i make a lot of profit if i cant even make it out a day without breaking down. i hate everything. i hate my parents i hate my friends. but that's because i hate myself. i cant come to terms with the fact that im hopeless and lonely so i put myself on a pedistal leaving everyone beneath me. i lie to myself im above them when i know i dont believe it. but i dont want to die. i just want to cease to exist. its so painful being alive and i dont even know why i feel this way. i should be happy i have a good life. i dont know why my parents think im wrong. what am i doing thats so horrendous? i think they just hate me. i hate them so much i hate my mother. but i know even if i say i hate them i would die with them in a heartbeat. im never enough i cant do this anymore i dont want to remember im alive.
why am i so unlovable. i just want someone who asks if im ok, someone who will look at me for once. no matter how many friends i have im always alone. i guess it is hard for me to be loveable because i dont even have an identity. what defines me as me. i feel like im nothing but a monstrous mix of intrusive thoughts and loneliness. i dont even have real interests. the things i think i like i dont know if i really like them. i just think i should like them and i distract myself using them so i dont have to focus on my thoughts. i hate my thoughts i wish they were normal. my thoughts are worse than me. i think im gonna end my life soon.

spending my time doing this instead of actually revising . . . art in school is boring bc i like improv (?) . its a bit embarrassing writing this but im sure nobody in class cares to see what i do. my dad was mad at me in the morning bc i didnt do the dishes but it was right before school ofc i didnt do it? no one ever makes my food and he has a problem when i make my own food creating dishes to wash . . . its not like he's the one doing them anyways. i really wonder whats the point in living . no one notices my work . i thought i was doing well bc i was able to wake up in the morning without breaking down but ig not . . . i can never be enough . my mom told me i couldnt get a job now bc of my scars , i wonder if shes right ? i doubt it shes not the brightest . maybe that's why i get bad grades ? i wish i was nicer this new girl keeps talking to me but idk why she just pisses me off . ofc i dont show it , i really do like her but my words come out harsh and critical .

i just got my art combined results . . . 65 / 70 its not bad but i was expecting more tbh i guess im still content . still waiting for the writing analysis results but the teacher complimented my writing . i like getting compliments more than most bc im not used to it . ive been raised harshly and not complimented so i feel so happy . but i dont want to rely on anyone or become attached to people so i try to act nonchalantly to others . this is a stupid tangent i shouldnt be left alone with my thoughts . the other girls in my class rly piss me off . idk why . no one in this class likes art like i do . people only chose this class bc they think it's a "fun easy grade" . im the one putting in effort but im not better than anyone .

i havent been exercising much this week , or at all , i hate the feeling of gaining weight . i want the day to come where i can look in the mirror without breaking down . i hate being a girl . i hate that i have female organs it makes me sick . i wish i were born a boy then maybe i wouldnt hate my physical self . i wonder why God gave everyone a different vessel , it doesnt matter in the end anyways . and why do people pass judgement based on a physical form ? i dont get it so why do i hate how i look . genuinely i dont know what or why something is considered attractive or not . everyone looks perfect in my eyes but me .